On self-containment
Some images sourced from Pinterest
I found Stocism at 26 years old and I’ve been tuned into it ever since. I make sure I’m always actively studying it, even if it's just in a gentle way. I’ve done the hectic practices religiously (like going for a run barefoot or daily visualisation of your loved ones dying) and I’ve also just leaned on its tenets in times of emotional upheaval.
To be a Stoic adherent is a funny thing because so many people just read you as unemotional, dismiss it as a form of avoiding being in the world when in practice it’s the literal opposite, it’s about being so attuned to reality that you operate only within the present moment, appreciate and accept everything fully (hence the title of this Substack) but also try to contribute where you can.
To be Stoic is to be viscerally aware of the pain in the world and to embrace it wholeheartedly without allowing it to cause mental chaos for yourself and others.
One thing that is an inherent part of Stoicism that rarely gets spoken about is a Stoic adherent is aiming to be self-contained. This is the thing that makes us seem aloof or closed off and it’s the thing that pisses people off the most because it feels like they can’t access you in a way they’re used to, and in a way that is true.
If, like me, you’re someone who is interested in conserving your energy, maybe because you’ve experienced varied levels of fatigue, you’re neurodivergent or just because you’ve got big dreams and want to be focussing on them you would be wise to lean into self-containment. As it’s a method of understanding where you’re leaking energy and how you can start to plug it.
What is it to be self-contained? It is to:
Be self-confident and self-assured, yet humble.
To have healthy self-esteem that comes from within without being delusional or needing others to confirm it for you.
Have two feet planted firmly on the ground.
To know yourself better than anyone else and therefore, be clear on your wrongdoings and your strengths.
Have strong boundaries, to know what’s important and put in the effort to protect it.
Operate in a logical, pragmatic and principled way - to conduct your days with virtue.
Be friendly and compassionate but not wide open and available to anyone and especially others’ unprocessed emotions or personal dramas.
Not partake in gossip and to work hard to avoid judging others, things and circumstances.
Keep the intimate parts of yourself private and thereby, sacred.
Be secure in yourself, who you are, what you need to own and what you absolutely should not be taking on.
Have a goal and be intentional with your time, focus and energy.
Not overshare, be overwhelmed by emotion or resort to fishing for attention.
Be able to function on your own without external validation.
These things seem pretty clear and obvious, likely what most people are aiming for but when you break it down in our modern, excessively online, emottional overshare = virality media culture they are rare to come across.
Of course, in our philosophical practice we fail and fumble frequently but the main goal is to aim higher instead of getting comfortable behaving in ways that have us losing control of our essential nature. I’m by no means saying I’m perfectly self-contained but it is what I’m aiming for and it is also something I’m chronically aware of when I flounder. Which to me is better than operating with little to no self-awareness and getting battered by life like an old ratty flag in the wind.
The thing about self-containment that frequently pisses people of is we don’t get sucked into the drama of it all, the self-created suffering of it all - likely because we’ve actively prepared for issues to arise, we’re appreciative of them knowing that it is nature’s intention for us to experience it and we don’t waste time on things we can’t control.
Most people have probably heard the Buddhist theory of the “second arrow” meaning that when something perceived as negative happens we’re struck once and when we perpetuate the harm with our perspective and thoughts about it we strike ourselves a second time. This is a common refrain but in this hyper me-me-me-me, “my feelings should be important” moment in time it feels like something disposed of in the corner.
But if you can make a conscious effort to take things as they come without adding to the load by piling on negativity you will have such a significant shift in your energy levels you’ll never look back.
People get pissed off with this because they’re used to running on drama, they’re used to being able to get others to feed off of it as well, they’re used to being coddled when they bring up all of the ways that the world has wronged them. But Stoicism asks us to be bigger than that, it’s asking us to take the reins of our experience, to be so deeply embodied in our sense of self, our values and ethics that we just know right and wrong without having to pull out the megaphone.
So today I ask you, how self-contained do you feel at this moment? And what would it be like if you could redraw the parameters of yourself? How would you benefit from no longer being so wide open?